We’re on the Brink

I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Tallahassee, FL. My first couples therapy session still stands out to me. I welcomed the couple into the therapy office in downtown Chicago. At the time, I had recently started a master’s program through Northwestern University’s Family Institute. As trained, I greeted the couple with a warm welcome, invited them to sit on a loveseat and focused on building the therapeutic alliance. Five minutes into the session, after inquiring about what brought the couple to therapy, partner A accused partner B of cheating and exclaimed that she wanted a divorce, leaving the therapy room. I was left sitting with partner B, who wept on the couch across from me. My couples session turned individual within five minutes of the initial greeting. I was disheartened by how little I could do to change the situation, and I realized that becoming a well-trained couples therapist would take work. Lots of work!

Fast forward 15 years, I’ve developed more knowledge, new skills, and a greater tolerance for discomfort. But I still struggle with some of the same patterns that I observed in my early days of training. Though couples don’t often break up in their first session with me, they wait too long to initiate therapy! Many are on the brink of divorce by the time they book an appointment. The Gottman Institute found that couples wait six years from the time they start experiencing distress before reaching out for couples therapy. This means that couples are often deeply unhappy in their relationships by the time they make it to couples therapy. 

6 actions you can take

If you are feeling disconnected from your partner, fighting about the same issues, or questioning your relationship, I want to extend hope and provide you with some practical tips. I’ve been able to witness couples go from feeling disconnected to a more satisfying relationship. But it takes time, energy and commitment. Below I outline six efforts that you can start today:

1. Make small, daily changes.

Often, divorce is not initiated because of one incident (though affairs can be a “nail in the coffin” for some relationships, like the couple I mentioned earlier). Rather, couples often lament that it’s “death by 1,000 paper cuts.” It’s true that small actions can lead to disconnection over time. Small, positive actions, however, can also help you reconnect with your partner! One way is to initiate bids for connection, which are an attempt for attention or affection, and respond to your partner’s bids.

2. Prioritize the relationship!

If you want to demonstrate that you are committed to the relationship, carve out time for your partner. Share gratitude and appreciation for your partner’s efforts and positive characteristics, go on a date, and schedule a regular state of the union meeting. The Gottmans have a recommendation for how happy couples spend their time and suggest a 6-hour a week formula.

3. Acknowledge the stage of the relationship and be open to change.

Your connection to your spouse may have been different when you were dating. What once worked at another phase in your relationship may not be working now. Be open-minded. Listen to understand when communicating with your partner. And be willing to make changes; don’t just identify what you want your partner to change.

4. Learn new ways of communicating. 

• Learn to validate.
• Learn to use “I” statements. 
• Learn to get comfortable with discomfort. Don’t be afraid to initiate difficult conversations.
• Avoid the four horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness & Stonewalling.

5. Get in touch with your needs and your partner’s needs.  

Your partner can’t read your mind, no matter how long you have been together. You have to identify and clearly communicate your needs in the relationship. It’s best to use “I” statements when initiating these conversations.

6. Couples Therapy

Seek help from a licensed therapist who has training in working with couples. Couples therapy can be a great resource to improve the health of your relationship. Having an unbiased, third party can help you navigate conflict and learn new skills. And go the first time your partner suggests it! If I could change one thing about couples therapy, it would be that our society would drop the stigma and assumption that people who go to couples therapy are headed for divorce. Dropping this assumption would remove a barrier for couples and help couples use therapy for preventative purposes.