At a quarter past six on a Tuesday in Portland, Oregon, Maya came in from the garage with two bags of groceries and said that the school had called about Friday. Marcus was at the counter, phone in one hand, and he said “mm-hm.” She put the bags down. She said it again, a little louder. He looked up, and for a second it was plain that he had not heard either version.
She had a word for it by the time she got the milk into the fridge. She had seen it that week in a headline, and it had made her laugh. Now it did not.
What does phubbing mean?
Phubbing is the everyday name for snubbing the person you are with by looking at your phone. Merriam-Webster defines it as “the act of snubbing someone in a social setting by looking at your phone instead of paying attention,” and traces the word to May 2012, when Australia’s Macquarie Dictionary and an advertising agency put phone and snubbing together. Searches for phubbing rose steeply in the United States over the past year.
Between partners it is common. In a Baylor University survey of 453 adults, published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior, 46 percent said their partner phubbed them, and 23 percent said it had caused conflict between them. The researchers, James Roberts and Meredith David, measured it with ordinary moments: a phone kept in the hand, a glance at the screen mid-sentence, a phone placed where it can be seen, a check during a lull in the conversation.
Connection and Intimacy in the Age of the Phone
“Phubbing” isn’t a word Gottman uses. One way to look at it could be through bids for connection: when a partner is on the phone, a bid may go unanswered, which Gottman calls turning away. He has also written about phones and distractions from technology in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Partners are always making small bids for each other’s attention, affection, humor or support. “The school called about Friday” is a bid. So is a sigh, or a text in the middle of the day. The other partner turns toward the bid or turns away. Turning toward can be as small as answering “Are we out of butter?” with “I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case,” instead of a shrug. Turning away is the shrug, or not looking up. Gottman research also describes a third response, turning against: answering with irritation, “can’t you see I’m busy?” A tendency to turn toward your partner, Gottman writes, is the basis of trust, emotional connection and passion.
In Gottman’s six-year study of newlyweds, the couples who stayed married had turned toward each other’s bids 86 percent of the time. The couples who divorced had done so 33 percent of the time. Most of their arguments, Gottman found, were not about money or sex. They grew out of bids that went unanswered.
Gottman cites a study of young professional couples in Los Angeles who were found to spend thirty-five minutes a week in conversation with each other, much of it about errands, and he names the constant interruption of devices as one of the reasons. A device, he writes, can enable turning away, and a partner who wants to avoid a hard conversation will sometimes reach for one. Usually, he adds, the inattention is not deliberate. People do not notice how habit-forming the devices are, and couples ignore each other’s needs “out of mindlessness, not malice.”
First, Gottman writes, take the complaint seriously. If your partner says you seem more interested in your phone than in them, that is an issue, even if you disagree. Then agree on rules of etiquette that work for the two of you, starting with no texting or email at meals, on date night, or when either of you needs to talk. “Most of us readily turn off our devices at houses of worship or theaters,” Gottman writes. “We need to extend that same respect and courtesy to our spouses.”
The Electronic Distractions Quiz
For couples who are not sure whether the phone has become a problem between them, Gottman offers a short quiz. Answer each statement Rarely (0), At Times (1), Usually (2) or Often (3).
- I worry that my partner spends too much time attending to email or other online tasks.
- Often when I want to talk to my partner, they are busy texting or on the web.
- Because of digital distractions, I find it hard to feel like I come first to my partner.
- I feel that my partner wants to zone out far too much with TV or digital media.
- It hurts me when I come into a room and my partner hardly notices me because they are immersed in social media.
- I feel that because of electronic media my partner isn’t really fully available to me.
- Digital media seem to burn up whatever time there is for the two of us.
- My partner is too distracted by all of the electronic options and social media to be able to be fully present with me.
- Attention to social media or other such distractions is a real issue between us.
- Sometimes I would like to come first in my partner’s attention rather than tech.
Add up the points.
0 to 10. Being too plugged in is not a serious issue for the two of you.
11 to 20. The phone is worth a conversation. Agree on the specifics: when and where you text, answer calls, play games. The rules above are a place to start.
21 to 30. Agree on a specific daily time limit for phones and screens, keep to it for a week, and then talk again about how it feels. Gottman notes that couples sometimes use these diversions as a way to avoid communication and connection. If you need more help here, start with Turn Towards Instead of Away and our article on bids. If the problem feels bigger than the phone, this piece on emotionally unavailable partners takes that further. If the same argument about the phone keeps coming back unchanged, Gottman has advice for that too, on perpetual problems and gridlock.
The next Tuesday, Maya came in with the groceries and the phone was face down on the counter. Marcus asked what the school had said about Friday. She told him, and this time she only had to say it once.
Frequently Asked Questions
Phubbing is snubbing the person you are with by looking at your phone. Merriam-Webster traces the word to 2012, from phone and snubbing.
Not by itself. In Dr. John Gottman’s research, what matters is whether partners turn toward each other’s small bids for attention, and a phone makes it easier to miss them. The quiz above shows whether it has become a problem for the two of you.
Gottman suggests agreeing on rules of etiquette that work for both of you, starting with no phones at meals, on date night, or when one of you needs to talk.
Gottman’s advice is to agree on rules of etiquette together, with no texting or email at meals, on date night, or when either of you needs to talk, and, if the phone has become a larger problem, to set a daily time limit and keep to it for a week before talking again.
Sexy Game of Hearts
For anyone who wants to grow closer.
