The idea of self-help has been around for a long time. But when it comes to something as complex as your relationship, can self-help tools really make a difference?
They can, but not all relationship tools are created equal.
The quality of the resource matters, as does how you use it. Research-based tools that teach concrete relationship skills can give couples a structured way to better understand each other, communicate more effectively, and strengthen their connection. They can also be an alternative for people who aren’t ready or able to attend couples therapy.
Why Use Self-Help Tools?
Working with a qualified couples therapist can be incredibly valuable, but therapy isn’t accessible or desirable for everyone. There are several reasons couples or individuals may turn to self-help resources instead:
- Cost and insurance. Many couples therapists don’t accept insurance, and out-of-pocket costs can make ongoing therapy difficult to afford.
- Availability. Depending on where you live, finding a qualified couples therapist may be challenging. In-person options can be especially limited in some communities.
- Your partner doesn’t want to go to therapy. This can be particularly frustrating. You may recognize that your relationship needs attention and feel ready to make changes, while your partner isn’t interested in couples therapy.
If that’s where you are, don’t lose hope. You can still learn new relationship skills and begin changing how you show up in your relationship. Self-help resources can be especially useful in this situation.
Not All Relationship Advice Is Equal
There is no shortage of relationship advice online. A quick search can lead you to articles, social media posts, podcasts, videos, and apps.
However, before taking relationship advice to heart, consider where it comes from.
Is it based on established research? Does it come from a reputable source? Does it teach specific skills rather than simply telling you what you or your partner are doing wrong?
For more than 50 years, Dr. John Gottman has studied couples and the patterns associated with relationship stability and distress. That body of research is the foundation of Gottman Method Couples Therapy and the Gottman products couples can use on their own.
One advantage of self-paced relationship resources is flexibility. Depending on how you learn best, you can read articles and books, listen to podcasts, watch videos, complete exercises, or work through a structured program with your partner.
Turning to a Screen for Relationship Advice?
You may feel more comfortable typing something into a screen than telling another person about an embarrassing argument or a feeling you’re ashamed to admit. And when you’re hurt, confused, or stuck, getting an immediate response can feel reassuring and validating.
But there is an important difference between using technology to access structured relationship tools and typing ‘what is happening in my relationship’ into a search bar.Â
Relationships contain two subjective realities. You and your partner can experience the same conversation very differently, and understanding those differences is an important part of building connection.
A screen is a poor substitute for a conversation that needs to happen with your partner. If you need your partner to understand how you’re feeling, ultimately you need to communicate those feelings to your partner. And if your partner needs to feel understood, they need your attention, curiosity, and validation.
How Can Self-Help Relationship Tools Work?
The most useful self-help relationship resources don’t simply give you advice. They give you something to practice and integrate into your daily routines and conversations with your partner.
For example, Gottman relationship tools can help couples learn how to:
- Express concerns in a way that doesn’t lead to an argument
- Listen to and validate each other’s perspectives
- Respond to bids for connection
- Better understand what the other person is experiencing (your partner’s ‘inner world’)
- Manage conflict more constructively
- Repair after negative interactions
- Create rituals that strengthen friendship and connection
Ideally, both partners are interested in learning and practicing new relationship skills. When you’re both participating, you can intentionally practice and implement the tools together.
But you don’t necessarily have to wait for your partner to get started.
You can learn to use a softened start-up when raising a concern. You can become more aware of criticism or defensiveness in your own communication. You can practice turning toward your partner’s bids for connection. And you can become more curious about your partner’s perspective.
You can’t control how your partner responds, but you can change how you participate in the relationship.
Final thoughts
Self-guided relationship resources can be a useful starting point, a supplement to therapy, or an ongoing way for couples to strengthen their relationship. You don’t have to wait until your relationship is in crisis to start learning better ways to connect.
The Gottman Institute offers guided, research-informed resources that couples can explore at their own pace, as well as tools for individuals whose partners may not be ready to participate yet.
The goal isn’t to find a tool that tells you who’s right. It’s to learn skills that help you understand each other better and bring what you’ve learned back into your relationship.
What Are You Really Fighting About?
