When the Angry Parent Is You

Taking a break when you feel overwhelmed can help you return ready to listen. Photo: Dima Berlin / Getty Images.

In an early study by John Gottman and his colleagues, mothers and fathers were interviewed separately about their own anger. The researchers paid attention to whether parents could describe the feeling, recognize it and explain what happened in their bodies. Their children were four or five.

The researchers found that parents who were more aware of emotions and coached their children through them showed less belittling behavior and more supportive guidance. They studied how parents helped children understand and handle feelings, as well as how parents understood their own.

With teenagers, we may need to calm ourselves before we can offer that help. Here we look at parental flooding: how to recognize when we are overwhelmed, take a break and return able to listen.

Recognizing parental flooding

Gottman uses the term physiological flooding to describe becoming so overwhelmed that listening and problem-solving get harder. You might notice your heart pounding or find yourself clenching your jaw. You may be preparing your next sentence while your teenager is still speaking.

When you notice this happening, pause the conversation. Consider how you were feeling before it began. Too little sleep, exhaustion and stress in other areas of your life can leave you more vulnerable to parental flooding. You may become overwhelmed sooner than you would on a day when you felt rested and less under pressure.

Researchers studying parental burnout describe emotional exhaustion and feeling distant from one’s children. If you are already worn out, calming down may take longer. Recognizing that strain can help you notice when you need to pause, before you become too overwhelmed to listen.

Taking a break and coming back

Tell your teenager that you need a break and when you’ll return: “I’m getting too worked up to listen properly. I need a break. I’ll come back in half an hour, and we’ll talk.”

Your teenager then knows when to expect you. You can take a break while you still disagree, and continue the conversation when you return.

During the break, practice self-soothing. Take a walk or listen to music. Breathe gently and evenly, and relax your jaw and shoulders. If you spend the whole interval rehearsing your side of the argument, you may still struggle to hear their explanation when you return.

Check whether you can listen without immediately interrupting. If you need longer, tell your teenager at the time you promised, agree when you will talk and follow through.

Listening after an argument

If you called your teenager selfish, apologize for that: “I called you selfish. That was hurtful, and I’m sorry.” Leave out “but you made me angry.” You can discuss their behavior separately.

Ask what happened and let them finish. In Emotion Coaching, parents help children understand their feelings while setting limits on behavior. All feelings are acceptable; not all behavior is acceptable. You can acknowledge your teenager’s disappointment and explain why the answer is still no. Then help them consider what to do instead.

“Family life is our first school for emotional learning,” Daniel Goleman writes. When you work through your own flooding and return ready to listen, you show your teenager how to handle overwhelming feelings and grow closer again—something they can practise with you and carry into their relationships throughout life.

For more support with difficult conversations, explore the Gottman Parenting: Teens Bundle, with courses on understanding your teenager’s emotions, behavior and growing independence.